It’s no secret that most of us Americans aren’t exactly what you’d call healthy. Hollywood makes us think 98 percent of us are drop dead gorgeous with great bodies, but if you go out in the world, you find out pretty quickly that’s not true.

Still, you might be surprised to find that in Bloomberg’s latest ranking of the healthiest countries the USA came in 35th.

Now, granted, with 195 countries dotting the globe, a 35th place finish isn’t terrible. Would you really complain if you were only the 35th richest person in the world? But, hey, we’re America. We’re supposed to be number one at everything!

America had a health ranking of 73.02, which was pretty far behind the 92.75 of the first-place country. What country took first place? Why, that would be Spain, the Florida of Europe. They moved up five notches, from sixth place in 2017 to first in 2018. America dropped a spot, by the way.

Some of the criteria used included how many people died from communicable and non-communicable diseases, life expectancy, the ability to reach retirement age in reasonably good shape and how many people have high blood pressure.

They also looked at tobacco and alcohol use, how many people are overweight, mental health, how prevalent exercise is and access to clean water and health care. They also looked at the use of vaccinations, but that’s a nightmare we’re not discussing right now.

You may be asking “what can I do to put America back on top?” Well, eating healthier and exercising is the top thing you can do, but I see you shaking your head. One thing I’ll tell you not to do is go out and find a young person who is willing to draw out some of their blood so you can inject and regain your lost youth.

Yes, it is a thing. It’s called a vampire treatment and there are people dumb enough to think that the secret to eternal health and life is getting blood transfusions from a 22 year old.

Now, according to one story I saw, “Clinics offering the costly service have been popping up in major cities nationwide promising to treat everything from Alzheimer’s disease to multiple sclerosis and post-traumatic stress disorder, but the national health agency warns there is ‘no proven clinical benefit’ to this procedure.”

Yes, anything that could ease the pain associated with such horrible things as Alzheimer’s or multiple sclerosis should be shouted from the roof tops and offered for a dollar a dose, but as it said at the bottom of that paragraph, there’s no proof it does anything.

How much does this treatment cost? It’s $8,000 for a liter of young person blood at one clinic, though if you buy 2 liters, they’ll knock the price down to $6,000 a liter. Two liters of blood is quite a bit of liquid. It’d take a while to get it into you’re decaying body. Just think of trying to drink a 2-liter soft drink all at once.

The FDA, rather obviously, isn’t a fan of this idea. There are blood transfusions that are approved, but even those carry risks of an allergic reaction to the blood and other things that are too scary to think of.

Still, people will want to do it. People always want to try something that promises an easy out even though they know it won’t work. It’s like all those diet pills you see. If they actually worked there wouldn’t be one single overweight person among us. Same with the cures for baldness and those powders that give you massive muscles with only a minimal workout.

If any of these things worked we’d all have perfect health, have life expectancy of 110 and Hollywood would go out of business because we’d all be beautiful. But they don’t work, but we keep trying because we trust the word of that shady cousin we have over the word of a doctor who spent 12 years being educated just so he/she could have sneering people say they don’t know what they’re talking about.

And in the end we become only the 35th healthiest nation in the world. It’s a good thing there’s no world stupidity ranking. I’m sure we’d top that one.

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