It’s Super Bowl Sunday, or will be shortly depending on when you’re reading this. If you’re even a casual football fan, you’re probably dismayed that, once again, the New England Patriots are in the big game.
If you’re a big-time football fan, and not a deranged lunatic (also known as a Patriots fan), you’re ready to make a deal with some dark force to make sure the Patriots, somehow, just stop existing.
Either way, that team once again being there has probably lowered your interest in the game some. You’ll probably watch just to be a part of something around 110 million people will watch. And since the Patriots “dynasty” has won as many Super Bowls as they’ve lost, you could also watch for the very real probability they’ll lose again.
And if you have enough money to wager some bets (or if you’re just monumentally stupid), there is almost literally no end of things you can bet on come Super Sunday.
Sure, you can bet on who will win the game and whether or not they’ll cover the point spread, but it’d take a pretty big bet to win any real money on that wager, so let’s look at what you can waste your money on in the hope that you’ll get a thrill from, I don’t know, winning $1.75.
You can bet on whether or not the Rams will kick the longest field goal. They are favored to do this because their kicker hit one from 57 yards to beat the whiny New Orleans Saints in the NFC Championship game. It was the longest in playoff history, so you’re probably pretty safe with this bet. Unless your luck stinks, in which case neither team will even attempt a field goal.
In an oddly-worded bet, you can wager whether or not Brady will throw more or less than half an interception. Basically, it’s asking whether or not he’ll throw one. You can’t throw half an interception. Except for a couple of games, Brady finally started to look his age this season, so he’ll probably throw one. Hopefully, he’ll throw a lot of them.
You can bet on the coin toss. Heads is currently favored.
You can bet on who will be the games MVP. Brady, of course, is the favorite, with Rams Quarterback Jared Goff a close second.
But if you really want to make some money, James Develin and Matthew Slater, whoever they are, are 40,000 to 1 favorites to win it. Put down $10 on these two, keep your fingers crossed, and you could retire to Tellico Village.
You can also bet on who the MVP will thank in his acceptance speech. Teammates are the number one choice, followed by God, family or a family member, the team’s owner, the city they represent, the coach or bet they won’t mention any of them.
You can bet on how many plays Tony Romo will correctly predict during the game. Romo is a former player who has showed an astounding ability to know exactly what play is coming next on the field. You can bet he’ll predict more than seven or less than seven.
You can bet on how many times Rams coach Sean McVey’s age will be mentioned since he’s the youngest coach to ever coach in the big game.
You can bet on how long Gladys Knight will take to sing the national anthem; whether or not she will forget the words; whether any player will take a knee during the anthem; how many times Trump will tweet during the game; what color the liquid poured on the winning coach will be; if a fan will run on the field; how many songs will be played at halftime by Maroon 5 (Maroon 5, by the way, shows there are no more rock bands left to choose for the halftime show);will a non quarterback throw a touchdown; will either quarterback get 400 yards.
And it goes on and on and on. There’s no limit to how you can waste your money. With the Patriots and a West Coast team nobody around here cares about in the game, biting your fingernails while waiting to see if the Rams cover your bet by kicking three field goals might be the only enjoyment you get out of it.
Well, that and if the Patriots lose again.