What is with this weather?

Normally in June in East Tennessee the temperature hovers in the low 80s. I usually complain about this as I like to swim in my cheap, above ground pool and spend time on my redneck pontoon boat, The Snuff Queen, on Tellico Lake. And usually there’s no humidity and I want it to get warmer.

Now that I’m pregnant up to my eyeballs, for some unexplained, unknown reason, this June it is in the mid 90s! The heat index is 100 degrees!

I guess I should be thankful that we don’t live in West Tennessee right now. If I were pregnant there, I would have to take to my bed – in the air conditioning, under a ceiling fan. I’ll bet it’s so hot in Memphis right now that when you walk outside, your face just starts melting off.

I know what I’m talking about too. I’ve been there before when it’s been hot enough to melt your face off. Here’s how it works:

When you get out of your air-conditioned car in West Tennessee, hot condensation forms first on your forehead and then slides down your face until you feel like your skin has stretched down past your neck.

That’s really what it feels like. You might as well forget wearing make-up… or skin.

I think that while it is so hot here, and I am so very pregnant, I will make a few requests of those I cover.

First, if I must sit through a long meeting (more than 15 minutes), I request a big cushy chair, but not scratchy, an oscillating fan pointed on me, and for Heaven’s sake, adequate air conditioning. A glass of ice water would be nice too.

Second, if you need to have a car wreck, try to do it in the shade or at least somewhere where there’s room for me to drive right up to the site of your crash and take a picture of your cracked-up car through my rolled up window.

Also, this is specifically for the Sheriff’s Office, get me the names and information of those involved in the wreck immediately so I don’t have to waste an hour of my gas sitting in my car with the air on high waiting for a state trooper to show up.

Third, if you are planning to buy/sell/trade drugs or think you might be involved in a gun battle/hostage situation/fugitive hunt, come by the office first so I can take a mug shot without having to be on the scene for however long it takes for the police to cuff you and stuff you. Also, I don’t really think you want to risk me getting caught in the cross fire, do you?

And finally, if you are having an outdoor event and you want me to cover it, you must either drive me around the site in an air-conditioned golf cart, where I can take pictures through the window, or provide at least one indoor activity that I can take a picture of – provided there is air conditioning at said indoor activity.

These things said, I think we might all be able to beat the heat and still work together for a few more weeks – at least until this baby gets here! At that time there will be a whole new list of demands, I mean requests made by your friendly neighborhood newspaperwoman.

melissa.kinton@advocateanddemocrat.com | 337-7101